i cant bring myself to say it

I am now a pessimistic soab. I'm tired, my bones dont let me do what i wanted them to do.

things that lead to this day has been bad. hopefully it'll get better.

I hate it. I totally hate it. Leave me be.

In the jungle

Out for a few days made me realize that we take things for granted. Not withstanding the horrors of sleeping at ungodly hours and messing around with the insects and the mozzies.

I'd wish I could have shown the stars to all of you. Fantastic really nice. Conversations that swayed on nostalgia and feeling good about it.

Nothing done nothing gained. Back to work. =(

Are these challenges or just a way to say "I don't care?" You tell me. Games we play its always win, lose draw.

I've been to the depths of hell in more ways than one, I'll suffer but that just makes me feel its insanely depressing everytime. So what I'll do now is just to look forward to another day.

I need no words of consolation nor do I need the customary "are you okay?"

Smile and I will smile with you.

What I almost forgot...

I know nothing about her.
She was always alone.
She was always suffering.
And because I really knew nothing about her...
I was frustrated.

At the very least, I must get stronger.
That's what I believe.

scarred

I think therefore I am.

Not knowing what the future holds, we move forward.

There is no room for the weak, there is no room for anyone.

Be quiet and enjoy the ride.

It wont be for long but I know, I want to break free.

Realization to everything that has happened thus far. Leave it be and it'll just be another forgotten memory.

Thanks for everything.

I'll be going on as per normal, afterall what can a guy with a small heart do?

Take care and good luck for your future.

emptiness

I've realised that not all happy things last forever and that it will always come to a point that we will no longer be in any form of contact for days, that will turn to weeks and months before years goes by.

I've known this as a fact from experiences till now. There are those whom you want to be in touch with physically and mentally. Having meaningful conversations till late at night and not giving a damn about things that breaks us apart.

Nothing is everlasting, even from the bonds of time itself. However its those small little things that one does that makes or breaks a proper friendship.

I've realised all this and still I do the same mistake. I got bitten now I'm suffering from every single mishaps, every single mistake I remember by.

From my previous blog on a lonely night in mid March 2006,

" Have you been in "love"? Really. Really. Loved?

Love is too fickle. Its the decision of the heart and most importantly, the mind. Preparations is evident, commitments, sacrifice and the emotional rollercoaster you have to go through have to be considered. I admit. That for me, my problem had always been: hindrance and indecisiveness.

Love, is relatively composed of two different aspects: Physicality and Emotions. But there's one other aspect that people miss out often which is, awareness. Awareness because people tend to fall deep into "love", Ignorance dancing around them playing the tune familiar to themselves and these people join and dance together to its melody. Time lost can never be recovered back. Bitter, very bitter the loss that they will eventually feel.

People complain, harping that they regret time with their ex(es). They practically bitch about every single thing about the opposite person, but never taking into consideration of what they did too. Of how the other would be feeling. How they would react when they meet each other again.

For me, love is never there. I can't say it abandoned me, I just did not embrace it for what it really meant. Such biasness, never have I doubt love as I am now. We can always say, "Oh sad" or "No worries". But the truth is, would you know how the person really feel inside? What then, can be the remedy to this?

I base this on one thing that I treasure most. Trust.

I trust that I can pull myself through and face tomorrow with a smile on my face and anger in my heart. I trust that the people around me will not act stupidly to provoke. I trust only myself and nothing more. Because at the end of the day, trust is the only tool that I believe can break this hardened heart. The need for me to trust someone dear and close to feel the warmth again and to completely break free of my prejudices and biasness towards others. Never to lie with a straight face again and for a long time waiting, to once again feel loved.

To once again feel loved. The one thing missing. The drive I need to complete this road that is nearing its end. I once consulted an old friend of this matter. But truly no help can be obtained. What I did was to wreck, roll around, immerse in activities to prevent any mishaps so to speak. Thus relatively speaking, i'm just being a clown. As my actions speaks for itself. Entertaining others. Joking, playing the percussion instrument, playing the guitar, immerse in sports, floorball, swimming, running, boxing, badminton etc, etc. What do I feel in there. The emptiness, sorrow and regret.

I swore to myself never to look down again, be brash. But this false confidence I exude is of anger and nothing else. I find myself drowning in the thoughts of imminent death, of my weakness and fragility of my own heart. Cursing it, knowing that its every beat will lead to my eventual demise. Alone, I suffer because understanding it will take time and I don't have the time to spare anyone.

People want to take interest in this tragedy but I refuse to be a sideshow to them. Given a chance, I wish to do what I want for a change. No more pleasing others.

So tell me what will you say? I'll say its time."


And now its time.

G'night.

poke poke

After so long i got poked, by my buddy..

Now it adds up to my IV count huh?

I believe I got lucky. In more ways than one. I guess I got too carried away by lots of factor. False bravery and little confidence is not I achieve and aim for.

Too much facts and too little compassion makes me feel like shit after all of it.

Emotional attachment must be absent when I'm engaged in any conversations.

I made a mistake, I believe its too late to take back everything.

life goes on huh? Its short, but I have no time for sad faces and sadder emotional luggage.

I'll bring it along but I'll always be wearing a mask. I'm your puppet, world... I'm your puppet.

some getting used to

I'm sorry about yesterday. It always happens.

Its a happy day today, not bad.

I know for a fact it wont happen so why do i even bother. urgh

Don't stop me now - Queen

Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world it's turning inside out Yeah!
I'm floating around in ecstasy
So don't stop me now don't stop me
'Cause I'm having a good time having a good time

I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me

I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man of you

Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)
I don't want to stop at all

I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite I'm out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode

I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman out of you

Don't stop me don't stop me don't stop me
Hey hey hey!
Don't stop me don't stop me
Ooh ooh ooh (I like it)
Don't stop me have a good time good time
Don't stop me don't stop me
Ooh ooh Alright
I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you

Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)
I don't wanna stop at all

La la la la laaaa
La la la la
La la laa laa laa laaa
La la laa la la la la la laaa hey!!....

the great pretender - Queen

Oh yes I'm the great pretender (ooh ooh)
Pretending I'm doing well (ooh ooh)
My need is such I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell

Oh yes I'm the great pretender (ooh ooh)
Adrift in a world of my own (ooh ooh)
I play the game but to my real shame
You've left me to dream all alone

Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Ooh ooh yes I'm the great pretender (ooh ooh)
Just laughing and gay like a clown (ooh ooh)
I seem to be what I'm not (you see)
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around

Yeah ooh hoo
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Oh yes I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown (ooh ooh)
I seem to be what I'm not you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're
Pretending that you're still around

play the game - Queen

Open up your mind and let me step inside

Rest your weary head and let your heart decide

It's so easy when you know the rules

It's so easy all you have to do

Is fall in love

Play the game,

Everybody play the game of love

When you're feeling down and your resistance is low

Light another cigarette and let yourself go

This is your life

Don't play hard to get

It's a free world

All you have to do is fall in love

Play the game, everybody play the game of love

My game of love has just begun

Love runs from head down to my toes

My love is pumping through my veins

Driving me insane

Come come come play the game

This is your life - don;t play hard to get

It's a free world all you have to do is fall in love

Play the game

Out

I've realized really old habits die hard and really old friends is just the remedy for an old sickness.

Through thick and thin.