I write today with a purpose. I wonder in my own little world how did it happen.
This is a story of how i met a person, whom from the first time we saw each other thought we knew each other.
It was a little room I that I saw her, knowing little it changed my perspective I have got for the past years. As you might have known from my earlier posts or my other old blog, Unsolicited Advice, (which I, at the point of writing this, went over and checked out.. still exists though) saw how I was 3 years back and how I am now.
Unbelievable.
I see echoes of my past and some semblance of hope from there but definitely I changed. In terms of writing style, I believe I have somewhat changed. Maybe more sarcastic and less "worldly" as I sounded then.... It brings be back. When I used to pour my heart and soul into something and I get nothing in return.
I used to tell my closest mates about how life was for me. Difficult, unfair, but definitely interesting. But all was for naught as it always comes back to "what are YOU going to do about it?"
I came to realise that if I let myself go and don't do anything outlandish I will most probably have more friends than ever. I mean, I dont discriminate on people cos I know everyone's different. (again another sentimentalist view of what I used to think in the past.. Echoes people echoessss..) But then again, with my new/old found cynical view of what things are, I would have said "get out of my face cos I hate your fucking mug." to those people i really dont like. Hah. Talking about that, I asked for a personal review on myself asking what people thought of me. Not being narcissistic of course, just to know a gauge of how I am to the masses.
The answers were, to say, quite surprising. Interesting facts, "you wont want khai to get into a dare cos he'll do it and embarrass you." or "you're funny" or my favourite one, "you're deeper than deep." the last one was told to me by a 16 year old kid.
I look into myself and I see a guy who lost confidence in everything yet has enough of that "shell" left to make people perceive its still intact. Again another blast from the past.... I used to think that I am not who I am and that by imitating a popular figure, I might get some recognition.
But as far as I've known, I've always been myself to a point that its hard to differentiate, who I am and who I aspire to portray myself as in years to come.
For the past year, it was a rollercoaster. But nothing can compare with the here and now of my life. Maybe it can with what happened to us last year and with all that self exile and incommunicando.. I have to thank Shmeer and Sham for pulling me out of that emotional trauma I experienced. But still back to the topic nothing can compare with me of the now.
I find the girl an interesting person. Definitely, one of the better ones I've known. Thinking wise was very surprisingly mature. It makes me think that for once, I've seen someone with a heavy burden but is managing it elegantly. Much like if I put it out as an image, it would have been a very beautiful princess whose thinking about the welfare of her kingdom while wearing killer heels and having a whole pile of books balanced on her head. Can imagine? Now imagine that if any of it were to fail her, she would either fail her countrymen while embarrasing herself tripping over her heels and books falling off everywhere. Messy, messy.
But still the laws of attraction dictates that we humans are very attracted to danger, much like how moths like being attracted to very bright murderous electric lamps. Me being the moth of course.
When things started to pour out, I break down like a fucking broken dam. I just couldnt stop that I got irritated to myself. What was it that made me want to do it. I wouldnt know.
At first it was a game, a game I havent played for a long time taught to me by people in the know. I wouldnt want to risk rejection but I just went on and on and on and on. Knowing that someday, like today, will happen.
I've come to realize my insecurities, my wrongdoings, my weaknesses and my loss while sitting in a hall.
I've come to realize that how foolish I was telling someone I barely knew almost everything that I ever am. I've come to realize that love happens but I've also come to realize that time was once again my enemy and this time I'm against my old adage of waiting and the sorts. I've come to realize my outbursts and my random small talks were all about my innerself and that it came out never to be able to be taken back. I've come to realize she was not the person that I wanted to pour out everything, yet she was the only person in this whole fucking island who will truly know me for everything that i am. She might just be the only one but what comes of it if she doesn't believe that she was?
I don't know yet I know somehow that little nudge, that little tug that my heart says that i'm not ready at all for what had happened. I might think that I'm going loco over this and I know that I am getting emotional over this. But I'll detach myself from it in time. If only echoes in my mind but you keep repeating the things you are in are complicated. I understand. We stay that way. But I keep confusing myself over how I should conduct myself in your presence. I seek forgiveness yet I want to know why you let me do what I did. When I say I love 2nd November with my pink shirt on and you with that grey leggings and long tee I really meant it. I love what we did in the movies that I cannot lie. I love walking with you and everyone was looking at us but we dont give a fuck about it. I love the snacks that we bought from the supermarket. I love the bus rides and waving to bangla in the lorry. I love the end of that day when you said to call you but I never did.
I'm losing my heart and I dont want to lose you either. Everytime, I tell you about who I truly am, my heart grew weaker but my will grew stronger. I want to see it to the end but never will I ever want to see myself regretting my words. Never.
XX,
Khai.
