fantastic

It's a good day... In fact it's fantastic!!! Just need to remember that I will repay everything and more with dedication... Bliss!

Finalilty

This might just be the end. I feel the end to anything that I want to do with girls. I believe she is really the ONE for me. I have no regrets. I won't ever look back anymore. In fact, I revel in the fact that because of Durrah, I managed to move on successfully. And with Fadilah, I just want her to be with me as long as I live.

Sometimes you need this kind of a wake up call. This is only the beginning. :)

something for us.

dot dot, dot dash dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot dash, dot, dot dot dash.

k done. yes i did that.

thank you so so very much.

what have i done?

After all this time, I wonder if its always been too late for this. I have to stop being ambiguous. I should not have done that in the first place. Let me have a chance to change. Please.

Tanning can give you cancer and kill you. Tans are just damaged skin cells You get a tan by exposing yourself to harmful ultraviolet (UV) radiation. This is the case, whether you're tanning in the sun, or in a tanning bed. Exposure to UV radiation can lead to prematurely aged skin (wrinkles, brown spots, etc.) Worse still, you can get skin cancer. Your risk of melanoma more than doubles if you began using tanning beds before the age of 35. The World Health Organization (WHO) recommends banning the use of tanning beds by children under the age of 18. Some people mistakenly think that you need to use a tanning bed to develop a "base tan" to protect them from UV rays from the sun, but actually the opposite is true. You're really just adding even more radiation to your skin. Globally in 2000, over 200,000 cases of melanoma were diagnosed and there were 65 000 melanoma-associated deaths. UV rays can also cause cataracts and eventual blindness. The WHO recommends that you use sunscreen and sunglasses with UV protection when out in the sun, and to stay in the shade as much as you can. Babies should always be left in the shade because they are more at risk. - OMG Facts - Your Mind. Blown.

damn it. now that i know. you been on my mind like 24 hours a day. i've gotta do something about this.

sometimes it comes a knockin

Yesterday was presumably one of the turning points in my life. The revelations after 2 years, was quite devastating to know. But still I believe there's hope.

There was really never a time when I thought that it could start again but it did.

Its always always a challenge whenever I am with her.

No, i'm not saying its too late and all that. I admit that it was my bloody fault it happened like that back then. But really I was confused and there was no one I could turn to.

I've sobered up, trying to amend all the mistakes I have done. There was one purpose in my life the day before yesterday, now you gave me another one.

I promise with whatever resources I can pull off this time, whatever it takes, I want you back. I really really want you bad.

Of all the could haves and might be, I'm gonna wipe off everything. The past is there to remind you what the future holds.

I can't promise you a great one though. Time is short, you know, I know. I'm gonna make it worth my while.

Trust me, for you, only you.

interesting

I'm perplexed. Seriously, there are unresolved issues that i cannot avoid. Somehow or another it bugs me to no end.

Ambiguity.

Lady dance with me.

hectic. Very. space. needs time to take it all in.
Back to the ol skool perhaps?

I want to.

Now, finally, got the feeling I havent felt ever since a long long time ago.
I allowed myself to be self indulgent. Now my heart is on its brink.
Its not working anymore. These pills.
Sometimes alone, I feel the burden reach deep in me.
I dont know who will be there for me.
I cannot allow this to go on any longer.
It really hurts badly.
I'd give anything if I could die right now.
Just let me rest in peace.

no.

I loved you, now I hate you.
Why the torture, why the pain and anguish.
I hated you, now I don't care about you.
Why can't this feeling just vanish.
I didn't care about you, now I'm suffering.
Not now, when I'm in the middle of things.
I suffered, but I somehow find love.
And so the cycle continues.

awesome reposts

The still waters

I don't get things easily. This slow, creeping, feeling is fast on the approach.
To be honest, fear, is the last thing I want to feel when I go.
I detach myself from reality, I keep myself busy with useless thoughts.
I need to focus. I don't see the picture yet.
I haven't seen the picture for a long time.
Even when I see it, I won't know what to do. Panic?
I find myself lost time and time again.
With no directions, I am expected to get out of this maze myself.
Cryptic words that only they can understand.
I join a party for 1.
I do not belong.
I feel like an outcast.
I am an outcast.
I fear the worse.
Yet, I strive forward.
I have to make my point.
I need to make my point.
Fear, must be last thing I feel before I go.

Downhill

Just when I thought it could have been better, I found out Grandad's in the hospital.

FML.

voices

I can't talk. I lost my voice.
I have assignments coming out of my ears.
I have tests and exams to further degrade my social life.
I have to go to the hospital to visit an ailing relative.
I want to meet you but I know I can't.
I feel tired so tired everyday.

But as long as I have my tea. I have my music. I have my friends. I have my family.

I am okay. :)

Just a Little bit

As of late, there has been much disturbances in my personal life that I wished all of it will just jump down and commit suicide or something.

So anyways, been feeling under the weather lately. Funny thing is that I've started to have this stupid recollections as when I felt as if I was back in tekong. hahaha. Weirded out.

Chi New Year in a few weeks time. Just felt like saying it cos its nothing special according to a few friends of mine.

Also, I've been wanting to go JB like for fun. Ever since I made the new passport like so excited like that. But other than food and fashion, I dont think there's much to do there as well.

Been having these late afternoon naps thats just irritating, cos everytime its like late evening I feel so damn lethargic that I Always need a distraction to cope with the stupid feeling of falling asleep.

I dont know what to feel anymore. Numb, pain, heartache. Well whatever it is, I'm gonna get over it and kick ass.

I've done it again.

I'm a coward. Just afraid of everything.

I hide behind you.

But still I follow you closely.

I am your shadow.

kill me

im down. everythings not right.
nothing is right anymore.
FML.

Study

Been studying and it creeps me out now that I have no life.

Glad I've resolved myself to be as disassociate as i can towards the general populace.

Anyways, got myself a pair of berms and a polo tee. Thanks to dad.

Went around walking aimlessly, again, in search for handphones and yea, a bit of shopping.

Convincing myself that everything is gonna be okay.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Just gotta hang on and get through with it huh.

Use Somebody

I've been roaming around always looking down at all I see.

Its true, its something I've been doing from the day I start my so-called life after the accident. Nothing doing, been always feeling I'm on borrowed time. Was not very optimistic. Started to grow very pessimistic and then some. I've viewed the world differently since then. Been going with the flow.

Painted faces fill the faces I can't reach.

Lies, Lies upon all the lies I built up over the years. I can't configure how deep this web weaves itself. Always this mask on.

You know that I could use somebody.

Yes, somebody is always there but not all that I can talk to.

Someone like you.

Then you appeared and that changed things. Little, but I don't know whether to regret or just revel in this, I might say "happiness" but for all I know its just me you see.

Off in the night while you live it up while I'm off to sleep.
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat.

Self explanatory, 'nuff said. I'm just jaded. I'm always in doubt and frankly, it used to worry me, but now. Now its just a different story.

I hope it's gonna make you notice
somebody like me.

Like seriously how? Tell me. I'm out of ideas and I'm running dry.
Just afraid I'll be indifferent. Check the word out. And what's its opposite.

Not gonna talk nor will I do anything to start, with your ego and everything that makes you, you.
Just tired really tired.

-Courtesy of Kings of Leon - Use Somebody.

cleaning my room part deux

Sometimes, I feel that what I'm working towards just dont justify by what conditions I am in right now. Amidst the constant flow of change and sometimes confusion, I shall for a moment take a breather and reflect.

Sunday, today, or probably yesterday by the time I get this published.. Was spent on cleaning the room and getting mom's help with it. Felt really good about it but as time goes by, interest wanes.

Otherwise its just another day with the maternals coming over and socialising. Meaning to say the lil one was there. Getting along better now, I mean, I practically see her growing up and it feels just great that she's getting along well with other people. But according to her mom, she's still very much attached to her and that she cries all the time. Heh, the pains of growing up huh?

Actually,I was supposed to go swimming today but due to various circumstances, it didnt happen and after all the initial agitation, I calmed down and did what I was told to do and after completing it the sense of its completion had me feeling a tad better.

On another note, this "Student" thingy, this label, this glue on me is starting to grow on. I mean after learning from Dom for the various perks it has as well as all the cons it come with.

Been out and the burnout is starting to get to me. Not a good sign as mentioned in earlier posts.

Been too preoccupied with things that I believe dont mean much at the moment but they are still feelings nonetheless.

As of the moment, being self centered is not how it should be but I believe in self preservation and that I'm still not open to various ideas.

Being straightfoward has always been my forte, I don't mince around with words and sometimes words can bring up or just bring the person down to the lowest point. But I practice tact and that, with experience and knowledge to keep my mouth shut and just observe sometimes is for the better.

Lastly, feelings are nothing more than feelings. Im feeling that we are drifting and I know its intentional. I leave it that way and see that I wont get hurt. Games are something I don't really understand but I always ask myself whether its worth the effort.

I am but a person born with nothing to lose and everything to gain.

The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated. -Oscar Wilde.